:: eLise is me ::: How do you exactly define friend?

Monday, February 06, 2006

La vie est Belle <>

How do you exactly define friend?

I'm feeling extremely empty.

People never remember your good. They only remember your bad.

Even if you've been doing 99 good deeds and just 1 bad deed, you're remembered for that 1 bad deed.

Pathetic isn't it?

Not even watching Desperate Housewives can cheer me up.

I feel like giving up. Completely.

Nobody knows what I've gone through all these years. My fears, my worries, my problems, my illness.

Nobody knows. Not even my best friend. Not even my parents.

It seems like I can reveal alot about myself to others, but there are still some things which I keep locked away in myself. Things which I will never tell others. And because they do not know these truths, they judge me. And those judgements are always wrong.

Even if you see me 5 days a week or have dinner with me everyday, you will still not know fully about me. Cos you ain by my side 24 hours a day to understand and see for yourself.

I'm sick of it. I'm tired. My struggle for these past few years. Are they going to waste? Am I gonna fail after suppressing myself for the past few years?

I need help. I know I do. I need professional help and advice. At least I admit I've got a problem which I need to rectify.

My parents ain that educated and knows nothing about such thing. Their knowledge is only of those held by common folks. Untrue and generalizing "facts".

Even those with the highest education does not have the right knowledge of it.

I feel like giving up. It's tiring. It's difficult. It's tough to have to struggle to keep myself well and alive. It ain easy feat. Now I'm only 20. And I still have a long road infront of me.

Should I continue fighting? Or should I simply give it up?

I've always tried my very best to appear happy and cheerful cos I don't want other people to suspect that something is wrong. I don't want concern and especially not pity. This is my life, this is my problem, this is my fight.
I'm a lone fighter in this vast unfeeling world.

Felt so terrible today and I so wanted to message him. But then I realised that I don't have my cell and that I didn't memorize his number. So cut off from other people. No way of communicating with others.

"Forget it Elise. Forget it." That's what Amy always told me. She's the only one who knows every single detail. She's the one by my side when things go wrong. She's the one by my side when good things happen to me. She's the only one whom I can trust 100% without fear that she will betray me. She has proved her worth.

Unlike people who just hang the word "trust" by their mouth constantly and expects others to honour it, when he/she has actually betrayed the trust others have in him/her. And these people just get out of it by giving some freaking lame ass excuses. You've proved how much you're really worth to me. So don't bother trying again. Cos it ain gonna change.

This time round, I'm leaving it all to Fate. If I manage to pull through, I'll be really glad and treasure all that I have. But if I don't, then that's just it. It'll be the end of me.

Whatever will be. Will be.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera

Since I am just a girl in school
I asked my teacher, "What should I try?
Should I paint pictures, should I sing songs?"
This was her wise reply

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
I tell them, "wait and see"

All about

: elise :

Jack (or is it Jane?) of all trades,
(almost!)

but Master of none.
(trying to!)

This is my paradise, where I indulge my senses grandiloquently.

A collective effort to keep family & friends updated, and for random strangers to pop by.

I wanted to put a HUGE picture of myself in this space, but being the technologically challenged person that I am, I can't figure out the mojo of it.

So I guess I'll just have to make do with scattering loads of random self-shots all over the blog!

: xoxo :

Hugs & Kisses

: xoxo :

: blabbers :

Gallery of

: memoirs :

Ending

: credits :

Inspired by:

JUICE & Undying Love

Edited by:

Yours Truly... Elise Tan