:: eLise is me ::: Mind, Thoughts, Views & Expressions.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

La vie est Belle <>

Mind, Thoughts, Views & Expressions.

I still remember what she said.

"Everyone needs friends. You're not a superwoman so stop keeping everything to yourself and to take on everything yourself. By not talking to your friends, you're depriving them the chance to help you."

I understood what she's trying to say and I appreciates it.

Back then, I was having trouble dealing with trust and asking people for help.
I see myself as the source of every problems.

People who have seen me then would know what a wreak I was turning into.

Farhana, Cheryl, Michelle & Jess.

I can never thank them enough for everything they've done during that period.
No words can express my immense gratitude to them.

I told her that I rather not tell anyone anything because they will sell me out (like a guy did), casting me as a nutcase to others, resulting in abandonment. Or playing me as the victim, gaining sympathy and pity.

I want none of both. I just wanted to be left alone.

And also because I see myself as the source of all problems, I deemed myself as a curse or virus. By telling anyone anything, they will be burdened by me.
I will capsize them.

I want none of it. I just wanted to be left alone.

But now, it's a different story.

I contemplate keeping everything to myself because I feel that no one understands me.
At least not as well as I do myself.

And also, I don't wish to burden anyone. (yes i have to quit thinking this way. am trying to.)

No offense, but I realised that most of them have the same mentality. The kind of mentality being fused into by what the "norm" dictates.

And as of right now, I am trying to escape from that norm.

And by sharing my thoughts, my views, I am getting the constant same replies, advices and lectures.

And that is really not what I need.

Not that I'm being unappreciative. I am actually glad for all the feedbacks.
It's just that, it's not what I need.

There is this one person though.
Who I feel, understands me.

Whenever I feel bothered (an almost constant state i am in recently), or overflowing with joy, that person, is the first person I thought of.

I will always be so tempted to send him a message to share whatever is on my mind at that moment, but will always think twice, and most of the time, ended up not doing so.

Because once again, I don't wish to trouble him.
I don't want to be a pest.
I don't want to cling.

I must admit that I almost gave too much dependency upon him, but pulled myself back at the very last moment.

I see him as a great friend, a confidant, a support.
But he can afterall, do only that much.
He is just a friend.

The rest is dependent upon myself.

My point is that, having found one person who understands and shares the same mentality as me, is a truly rare treasure. Because right now, most people surrounding me have already been sucked into the evil system of the norm.

I'm still outside of it.
And I intend to keep it that way.

What I need is that little encourage and support as the final boost to help me make that leap of faith. It is almost impossible to do it alone.

But I can't seem to find it from around me and even if I do, I can't hold on to that source infinitely and empty it.

So now the only way I see is to walk the almost impossible path.
To depend on myself.

And so I'm trying hard to practice detachment, and of sharing myself with others.

I do not need all the "don't think too much", "it's not gonna work", "you can never do it".

I am not a fugitive and thus I will not run away from my problems and obstacles by not thinking too much.

I am not a pessimist as to believe that it's not gonna work.

I am not a faithless person to think I can never do it.

So please forgive me for choosing to shut myself up.
Be understanding, even if it's hard to comprehend.

If it's gonna work, it's gonna work.
If not, there's always other alternatives.

All about

: elise :

Jack (or is it Jane?) of all trades,
(almost!)

but Master of none.
(trying to!)

This is my paradise, where I indulge my senses grandiloquently.

A collective effort to keep family & friends updated, and for random strangers to pop by.

I wanted to put a HUGE picture of myself in this space, but being the technologically challenged person that I am, I can't figure out the mojo of it.

So I guess I'll just have to make do with scattering loads of random self-shots all over the blog!

: xoxo :

Hugs & Kisses

: xoxo :

: blabbers :

Gallery of

: memoirs :

Ending

: credits :

Inspired by:

JUICE & Undying Love

Edited by:

Yours Truly... Elise Tan