:: eLise is me ::: Respect?

Thursday, June 29, 2006

La vie est Belle <>

Respect?

I'm contemplating whether I should write this entry calmly or to shout out my real feelings.

By writing it calmly is a form of respect for whoever might stumble upon this entry.

By writing it in my most frank and raw emotion would somehow bring a sense of relieve for me but will be filled with hatred and profanities.

I think I'll just be myself. Cos I'm going crazy from controlling and containing my emotions.

You demand respect from us. But have you ever thought of whether you really do deserve it? Bcos we are in the asian context, thus it is expected for us to respect you as our elder. But we don't see it that way. Cos you fucking DO NOT deserve our respect!

You come home drunk EVERYDAY and you can even be dead drunk in the EARLY MORNING! What the fuck?! Early morning?! I'm fucking sure your bloody retarded brain's been too damn numb and dumb to realise the austerity of what you're doing.

You don't realise that even your own children dislike you do you?

They are just being respectful bcos they hold strongly to the asian practice of being filial.

But we do not. And we're NOT gonna apologise for that.

Clean up your act or shut the fuck up and continue receiving such treatments from us.

AND STOP DRAGGING MY DAD & GRAMP INTO IT!

It is we who are being disrespectful to ya and not them. SO STOP BEING SUCH A BLOODY NUISANCE!

All those things which you said during your drunkard state of mind only serves to make you appear more pathetic. So don't think we took all those to heart and feel regretful and will repent.

COS WE BLOODY WILL NOT! ALL WE DO IS TO LAUGH AT YOU FOR BEING SO STUPID!

Every time when you come home drunk, how we wish we could just kill you. Stab you with a knife or hit you hard on the head with a vase. But we will not waste our lives over someone as useless as you.

I will tell you why you do not deserve our respect!

What have you ever done for the family?

NOTHING!

You just ran away and leave the whole family to gramp. You cheated on her. And up till now, what right have you done?

STILL NOTHING!

All you do is get drunk and come home yelling and making a fool outta yourself.

And all you do care about is your face!

WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR FACE! WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU!

Cos you are not the one who brought us up and give us education, food, shelter and love!

All you ever gave was emotional dis-balance in us!

WE ARE GOING CRAZY ESPECIALLY ME!

I'VE HAD MY BLOODY SHARE OF EMOTIONAL TURMOIL TO HANDLE AND THAT IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE! I AM STILL TRYING TO COPE WITH IT BUT THERE YOU ARE ADDING MORE AND MORE ONTO ME!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I CAN'T!

I WISH YOU ARE DEAD! DEAD!

JUST DROP DEAD WILL YA?! ALL THE FIGHTS YOU HAD WITH GRAMP, ALL THE SHOUTS YOU HAD WITH DAD. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

WHY DON'T YOUR LIVER OR HEART STOP FUNCTIONING?!

WHY?!

JUST DIE AND GO AWAY! COS WE FUCKING HATE YOU! ESPECIALLY ME!

I HAD TO BE SO SCARED THAT TIME WHEN YOU FOUGHT WITH GRAMP! I HAD TO BE CRYING AND CALLING UP AUNT TO COME OVER AND STOP YOU! I HAD TO BE FEELING SO HELPLESS COS DAD WASN'T HOME.

I'VE LOST COUNT OF HOW MANY TIMES I'VE CRIED WHILE HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOU!

SO PLEASE JUST DIE!

I FUCKING HATE YOU!

You will NEVER get the kind of respect we give to Dad and gramp even at your deathbed. You will NEVER get it!

Our teachings and values are taught by our gramp and Dad. Not you. And do you think the other children will still be as respectful to ya if they see what we see everyday?

BLOODY NO!

You keep talking about when you'll die and yada yada. Why not just die now? Quit the talking. Action speaks louder than words!

You speaks of upbringing. But what kind of upbringing have you shown to us? To the guests?

NOTHING!

You can just stumble home drunk and make a scene in front of the guests. In front of the little kids. Don't you feel shameful?

So who are you to talk about upbringing with us when you are not one excellent example yourself?

I've seen the way you try to delude outsiders into thinking you are a proper man. But hell you're not. It's not working. It only makes me look down on ya even more. Cos ur such a fake. Such a face caring person. Such a useless dump.

We hate you from the inner most depth of our hearts. We hate you so much that even our bone marrows hate you.

And you will NEVER! NEVER get the kind of respect you yearn even at your deathbed. NEVER!

You will never be like gramp or Dad. So don't expect any change.

And I can just tell you now that Dad and gramp will NEVER get the kind of treatment we gave you cos we love them very much. We truly respect them for who they are and what they've done.

The only thing that makes us tied to you is the blood relations we share. Other than that, NOTHING! We do not love you, we do not adore you. We do not wanna respect you.

Cos you definitely don't deserve it.

The more you yearn respect from us, the more you will never get it. The one thing you want most outta us will never be attainable.

Cos remember this.

We hate you and we wish you were dead.

All about

: elise :

Jack (or is it Jane?) of all trades,
(almost!)

but Master of none.
(trying to!)

This is my paradise, where I indulge my senses grandiloquently.

A collective effort to keep family & friends updated, and for random strangers to pop by.

I wanted to put a HUGE picture of myself in this space, but being the technologically challenged person that I am, I can't figure out the mojo of it.

So I guess I'll just have to make do with scattering loads of random self-shots all over the blog!

: xoxo :

Hugs & Kisses

: xoxo :

: blabbers :

Gallery of

: memoirs :

Ending

: credits :

Inspired by:

JUICE & Undying Love

Edited by:

Yours Truly... Elise Tan